shopping and other injuries

Today saw me engaged in the third most painful experience a woman must endure next to waxing or a date with some fugly who looked hot when you gave him your phone number just after you started that second bottle of sauvignon the night before - and that is bikini shopping. I tried to soften the blow by going into a fancy smanshy store that my friend warned me was a tad expensive, well let me tell you, I tried a few on and 150 quid price tags do not a super model make.



Although the cubicles sported the same harsh fluorescent lighting of your more reasonably priced high street stores, what they lacked was ample mirrorage, meaning that you could never quite catch the full magnitude of your ample behind no matter which way you twisted. I wonder if they sell more bikinis that way? It’s just dishonest. I’d rather know if my cheeks looked like two puppies wrestling in a sack thank you very much. Then I’d buy a matching sarong.



Anyway, after having my nether regions ripped to shreds by plastic security and laminated price tags (why do they put them THERE?), I managed to spy a style I liked and then hot foot it down to the store across the mall which sold exactly the same bikinis (minus the swavorski guarantee of excellence) and pick something up for a quarter of the price. Wunderbar.



Then I came home, relaxed and started to get ready for my first night out in Istanbul with music I actually like, drum and bass, as oppose to remixes of Sezen Aksu (some old has been crooner the Turks are obsessed with) she’s a bit like Shirley Bassey minus the good voice. Saying that you don’t like her is like criticising Ataturk and is liable to be seen as ‘an offence to Turkishness’ and land you in jail.



So I cooked up a storm. I primped and preened. Put on a face pack and got ready for a shower only to find the water is out. Fantastic. Now I have half of the dead sea on my face and a pile of smouldering saucepans in the 30 degree heat.



Luckily I have saved some bottles of water under my sink for just this occasion. I will be clean, but my kitchen may be full of cockroaches when I get back. Ahh it’s the price you pay for beauty. You soon find out your priorities when you have to skimp on water.





I haven’t written for a little while because I have had a visitor. My mum, in fact who I am ashamed to say I have not seen for over a year. This was mainly due to the fact that I couldn’t come home at Christmas because they gave me no time off in between contracts. We had a nice relaxing time. I think I gained two kilos from all the food and I am pretty sure she enjoyed it, so I feel quite happy about that.



Since I started this missive I have also attended a wedding. A Turkish high society one at that. There were many famous people who can’t be that famous because I’ve never heard of them. But then the only Turkish celebrity I have heard of is Sezen Aksu so I’m not the best judge. Lots of military big wigs too.



Anyway whatever I saved on a bikini I managed to blow in almost spectacular style on a dress which was nearly a months rent. Bugger. But I did have the best dress. I managed to drink my weight in wine, dance like a Turk and generally have a good time. For the second time only in my life a man gave me gold. But it was actually to pass on to the bride. In Turkey it is the mans responsibility to fully kit out the house of his bride. So you don’t give toasters and breadmakers at weddings. You give gold. Very civilised.



At some point in the night, possibly after the 25th round of dancing in a circle, waving our arms about and singing ‘hallah hallah hallah’ (which weren’t actually the words but they were close enough), I must have got home. I don’t really remember but it is possible I either played a round of volley ball with a boulder, had a tragic farming accident, or fell up my stairs, because both my wrists are black and blue. I really am not sure how it happened.



I woke up at 6am for work wishing the world had ended and proceeded to work for the next 13 hours until 9.30pm whilst simultaneously trying not to throw up or pass out.

Now finally I am just unwinding before bed where I hope to pass out without causing any more serious injuries to myself or my credit card.