House of horrors

So having dealt with the cockroaches and wasps the size of Kansas, I set about cleaning my flat. It was already 'clean' having just had the slightly ineffectual and terminally lazy cleaning lady in on Friday, but the thing about spraying your house with toxic chemicals is that it can have some untoward side effects. And so the exterminator told me I had to wash every item of clothing, every towel, every cup, plate, saucer.... in fact anything I may come into close contact with.

The problem being that I have 3 wardrobes full of clothes (and six sizable drawers) one massive cupboard full of bed linen, not to mention my coat cupboard. It will take me weeks.

The first thing I did was unscrew the rusting bin unit under my kitchen sink and toss it into the garbage. It had no lid so it must have been like an all you can eat buffet for the roaches. It was then that I noticed the rat droppings behind the sink unit. Hundreds and hundreds of rat droppings, a small mountain of rat droppings. I swear I saw a miniature Turkish flag planted at the summit. I can tell they are from rats because they are massive. Either that or I have a small herd of dwarf mongoose living in my piping. I can not tell if they are new droppings or old droppings but the sheer number is enough to make me feel queasy.

The second thing I did was pack a bag. My boyfriend now refuses to stay at my flat and has demanded I stay with him. BTW his TV series was screened last week and it has received top ratings from the critics. It also had a share index of 25 which means it was watched by a quarter of all people watching TV that night... so thats nice.

Next on the list is to fire the cleaning lady. Having had to wipe down all the cupboards and surfaces myself, it has become apparent that she really is a first class useless toerag who merely squirts a bit of furniture polish in the air before I return home to give the impression that she has cleaned.

Tomorrow I will buy a rat trap and see if I can catch one of the buggers. After which I'll call in the second set of exterminators. The boys are going to buy me some polyurethane foam and plug the holes.

And so the grim discoveries at the house of horrors continues...

Anyone fancy popping round for dinner?